All you have to do is take one glimpse at that Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald cast photo, and you know—Theseus Scamander is nastier than a barrel of hippogriff droppings. He’s the odious, be-cheekboned cousin that everyone “forgets” to invite to holiday dinners. We want Mad-Eye Moody to show up and turn this guy into a ferret, pronto. It’s hard not to feel bad for Newt already, and that’s without mentioning that older bro is affianced to his former BFF and school crush, Leta Lestrange.
Theseus Scamander: Winner of the Severus Snape “You’re the Worst” Trophy 2017
And with that, a list of things we are pretty sure Theseus Scamander would say to us:
“Do you want to play wizard squash down at the country club? I know you don’t have a membership, but I suppose I can sign you in this time.”
“These pumpkin pasties are worse than the ones they serve on the Hogwarts Express trolley. Can you believe people eat those things?”
“My stock trader gave me a tip: Nimbus. One-Hundred. Racing brooms.”
“They are unicorn steaks, believe it or not! …Just make sure not to tell anyone at the Ministry about our little indiscretion.”
“I do hate to miss the charity ball, but we’re summering at Malfoy Manor and you know how they are about being even briefly connected to the Floo Network.”
“We’re taking the family black market magic carpet down to Brighton for holiday; we saw far too many Muggles on our last trip to Bath.”
“The house-elves had better get the stain out of my dress robes before the Quidditch World Cup, or I’ll have to purchase a whole new set. And give the elves to the Goyles as a gift.”
“It’s truly a tragedy that there is no wizarding crew.”
“We wish Zelda would stop bringing her husband by. Last time he ended up writing a whole book about us—Gatsby something-or-other—took all the interesting parts out, and just focused on the drinking.”
“Just don’t touch the levitating bottles in the wine cellar… those are reserved for special occasions.”
“It’s a good thing my brother’s not here to see us posing with this Erumpent trophy. You know his thing about animals and their emotions, or what have you…”
“We need to fire the family painter—this portrait doesn’t behave like me at all.”
“Hogwarts really is going downhill these days… at this rate, we’re going to have to send the children to Beauxbatons and they’ll come back for the holidays speaking French.”
